Usher playlist, counseling, boyfriends and tickets oh my.

My ex walked into my house tonight to drop off our daughter and I had the best of Usher playlist blasting on the speakers. He then precedes to say "Man you must be really working out some things if the Usher playlist is going". I instantly shot him a dirty look and tried to convince him that no in fact this was NOT the case BUT we both knew that was a lie. Is life not wierd y’all. How can someone you no longer are with still know you so well let alone your emotional meter be given away by the best of usher. WEIRD.

Two of my best friends are getting married within the next six weeks. Both will be their second weddings and for both this second chance is oh so sweet because they have been brave enough to let love in again. And that my friends is one of the hardest things to do. In a perfect world I would hope for a fairytale ending for both of them BUT life is not perfect and the older I get the more I desire for the complete opposite. I want real and raw and a life of full acceptance over that perfect storybook fairytale. So that is what I am hoping and praying for them both. Life is beautiful and WEIRD!!!

Caught up on Grey’s last night. I had a whole two episodes that were taped and not watched. The last couple of weeks I have been in survival mode barely keeping myself together. The magnitude of that hit me last night when I realized I had some real good TV trash to catch up on. Here is what really blew up my marbles. At the end of the last episode Amelia and her mom are sitting together on a bench and something along this convo was exchanged.

"It’s ok to blame our parents for not being there for us during loss, love, and failure but it is on US to not be able to move forward from that".

I mean ok Grey’s thank you for the incredible nugget of common sense that I am sure I have been seeking from counselors for years. A 30 second clip has just tore me up. Again life is beyond weird!!!
(Side note: I have awesome parents who have been there but a lot of those I love dearly have not)

Turned 33 a couple months ago and after many discussions and personality tests with my sister Meg. I think we have finally settled on me being a 2 on the Ennegram. Do you know your number? You should, crazy what this stupid number teaches you about yourself. Funny how we have lived with ourselves day in and day out from the beginning and we need to find our number to fully be able to grasp why we actually do the things we do? Again weird..... that thing called life.

Do you know that a kid can go to a park and have a new best friend within like 5 minutes? They run and play and everything in their world is perfect. Somehow on a wooden playground social status, rank or class has not been established and what is left is just another sweaty dirty kid willing to chase you through a maze of wood for hours. At what point in life does this stop? You don’t see the adults at the park hugging new friends they have made at the end of an hour of play. Why? Let’s be honest if I were to hug the women sitting next to me that I don’t know and call her my new best friend she very well might think I was mental and bee line it out of that park as fast as possible. Y’all life is WEIRD!!!


I get a little obsessive about songs. Songs for me represent every moment of my life. I might not remember stories about events that have happened. But I will remember my life and then piece together events by my favorite songs I have associated with that time. Since this is a random list of weird here is an example. I have a designated song for every boyfriend or crush I have ever had. Totally not intentional just like certain songs are tied to certain people and if those songs come on I instantly think of that person. I should really make a "boyfriend" playlist bc there are some goodies including: Burn, Sorry Ms. Jackson, What’s your fantasy?, What if, you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling and Hurricane to name a few. Yep life and myself a bit weird.

How about this one......first day of class this semester I walked in and one of my swimmers I coached at Urbana was sitting in Bio 122 . Not to mention a handful of others I see walking around the campus. I am old they are babies. Shoot I have a "baby" which makes me someone’s MOM. Am I really old enough to be in charge of raising and shaping another human being? Probably not and that is scary. Also I realized my kid exclusively now calls my man instead of mama and I guess that makes her not a baby anymore(Insert hysterical tears). Life = weird.

Okay last thing. I got a ticket yesterday. The cop was sitting at the fire station of our neighborhood. I have not had a ticket since I was 18 years old and I go and get a random ticket yesterday. Life is WEIRD AF. Sorry not sorry to those that just got offended by the AF. Also I don’t even really understand that saying it doesn’t make tons of sense. But as Cardi B says okurrr. If you have never seen the Pepsi commercial or the 1000 other times she uses this do yourself a favor and use the google bc yep it’s funny and weird!!

So yes the USHER playlist is in full swing while I am over here trying to work out a hundred different thoughts and feelings about my life. Ben Rector has a line in one of his songs that says:

"like a river connects to the ocean
this pavement touches wherever we go white lines flyin by
who knows what will find
let’s drive"

And while this song has a slightly different meaning and doesn’t wrap up this blog post in a neat bow it is in fact been on repeat lately and feels super accurate with my scattered thoughts and feelings. Not a huge fan of the peace, love and happiness sign off so here’s my version. :)

 Hearts, Flowers and Real,
- Steph

* Oh and my sisters all tell my how terrible my spelling and grammar is. And why I wish I could blame that all on the fact I quickly type up posts in my notes on my phone with my right thumb. It is in fact the combo of poor grammar, thumbing typing and the lack of care to be perfect in this area. Isn’t the first step of change the ability to point out and accept your weakness????

When Mondays Are Your Favorite Day.......

Can you imagine a space where Monday mornings are your absolute favorite day of the week? Think about this a second, how we as adults usually despise Mondays. We just spent a whole weekend brunching and lunching with our friends and family over bottomless mimosas. Dressing up and cheering on our favorite football or basketball team. Mondays for most of us are simply just not the best days. Imagine a situation where Mondays were your favorite day. You wake up after a long weekend at home bright eyed and smiling. You quickly put on the crumpled up jeans and dirty shirt you have worn 4 days in a row. You rummage around to find your pair of socks only to your dismay you can only find one. It’s okay though one will do because its Monday.  You slip on that sock, grab your beaten up slightly too tiny shoes and holy coat, take a deep breath and run out the door into the biting cold. Monday’s oh Mondays are just the best days. You get to your destination and low and behold you are the one everyone hates that day. Not because you didn’t do anything wrong but because well life is hard and everyone is just trying to survive. Sometimes that survival looks like lack of self-control and hate towards others. The tears come and the lonely creeps in but you still are choosing to be happy because its Monday. Because on Mondays you walk into a building where you are guaranteed breakfast and lunch for five days straight. Mondays mean those pains in your stomach will stay at bay and make night time bearable. Mondays mean you won’t see mom cry about not having any food to give you. Mondays are the best five days because you don’t have to feel hungry every single second. Mondays they are just the best days. 

Over the last couple of weeks I have had the pleasure of volunteering a couple hours a week at a local elementary school not even five minutes from where I live. Five minutes from where I live there is an entire school of kids just like the above. Not just a few but hundreds of kids. I am not sure Mondays are really their favorite day. Most don’t make it to school on time when it’s cold out or they are late jeopardizing that coveted hot breakfast. Some have had so much trauma happen from the weekend they are past the point of starving. That one meal doesn’t erase the amount of garbage that they are processing. So many spend the first couple days back to school crying because they have entered a space where people care and the meals are guaranteed. They are able to let their guard down if only for a short time. 

Y’all so many times we sit at home at night and feel sorry for ourselves because we don’t have this or that. We had a stressful day at work and to top it off we missed lunch and didn’t get dinner till 8. We take it out on our loved ones because by golly life is hard and so unfair. Friends we don’t have a clue!!! We want to sit and talk about the problems in our school district and with this and that being what needs to change. I am telling you that what needs to change needs be begin with each and every one of us. Our mouths need to shut and our eyes need to be opened. Action must start with us. Not action of our mouths but with actions of our hands and time. We need to change, we need to be a community that can find 1 hour a week to put someone else before ourselves. I don’t know the stats on how many kids are in need who suffer from food insecurity but I am going to find out. But there is need in this community. We need mentors in our schools who can come along side these kids and have a safe ally. We need people willing to ask the question “How can I help”. We need people willing to part with just one Starbucks each week to help provide food for a child to take home over the weekend. I am not naïve to think that I can change a town or a school or all 24 kids in a classroom. But I do know that I can show up for a couple kids each week and be a safe space for them. I can pack a few extra granola bars in my purse to hand out for later so that maybe their stomach doesn’t growl all night long. I know I can do that. 

For the past 11 years while I have been coaching I have seen what this looks like for these kids once they enter high school. Most can’t stay on a sports team because they are working to help at home. These jobs sometimes go late at night and thus they are falling asleep in class and grades are struggling. They don’t have anyone on their side encouraging them to keep going because it will make a difference.  And we wonder why these kids can’t control themselves. Why they are angry and get in fights. Why they can’t pick themselves up and do what is right. We need to change not these kids. They are surviving, just trying to survive even if it is in the completely wrong way. We as a community need to come alongside these teachers and parents and administrators and ask “How can we help”? That should be our only question. We should not be giving opinion we should just keep asking the question “How can we help”? 

So many thoughts and feelings, so much sadness.  I don’t know about you but I can’t anymore pretend that children are not hungry at night feeling sad and scared. I can’t pretend, I can’t unsee and I can’t not care. 

Santa isn’t real Krank style!!!

A lot of times I blog to remind myself where I have been so maybe one day I don’t make the same choice. This last month my mood has been less then awesome. Right after thanksgiving this year is where it started. The realization that Christmas was coming up made me want to pack up and move across the country or hide under my covers till the holidays were over. I had this countdown in my head to Christmas and all that really represented for my brain was Cora being gone. 

As the days ticked on by and plans got settled with when we were going to do family Christmas’s around everyone’s busy schedule. It seemed to confirm my thoughts that maybe we should skip Christmas this year. I honestly felt a little like Tim Allen in Christmas with the Kranks. A huge part of me was determined to not even get out my Christmas tree. However, a couple days into that logic I decided maybe it wasn’t quite fair to my five year old to be so “kranky”.

 I will tell you at one point in my grouchy moods about it and after trying to come up with like the 50th answer to all these Santa questions. I said to her “now you know that Santa isn’t real right?”. I know I know talk about a low point in the mom category. I instantly regretted saying that. Like Stephanie seriously why can’t a five year old think Santa is real?? The good part of that story is she didn’t believe me. She flat out told me I was wrong and went about her day. So I have not totally ruined her childlike fantasy’s. She is still thinking it is possible Santa is going to bring her a “real life” unicorn one day. 

Fast forward a few weeks after finally jumping on board and taking a fake it till you make it approach. Delighting and relighting my Christmas tree twice and taking the plunge on buying Christmas presents. I was officially on board with this Christmas thing. I also confidently began telling anyone who asked that I was totally fine with not being with Cora for 5 days on Christmas and it just is what it is. This was her life and she and I might as well just get onboard with it. 

The 21st rolls around and while Cora and I were finally feeling better from a bout of strep we had acquired a few days before. I was instantly reminded that it was in fact the anniversary of my divorce. I am still not sure who gets divorced 4 days before Christmas or how that went down. I do remember the day and it was less than Pleasant. The entire morning was spent sitting in a courtroom with a dozen other couples as each one got up and had to state why they were ending there marriage. My sweet friend Roberta went with me that day. I will forever be grateful for her and her willingness to sit through that mess.  

The good news was this year was the first year there was no tears. I was more thankful for the healing that had occurred and the life that I had. It is however to me slightly awkward to acknowledge the day and then also not acknowledge it. Like do you make a phone call or send a text saying “Happy Divorce Anniversary”???? That day didn’t end our relationship it just changed it in a completely different way. 

We got through the 21st, we did Christmas #1 with my family the next day. I had a few tears when Cora left on Saturday and a few today after having to FaceTime her for two hours this morning because she wouldn’t let me get off the phone. However, aside from all of that these last few days have been great. Not what I would have planned and not what I expected but we had a lot of quality time with family. A lot of laughs over many many games played. Sooo much food, a couple naps, hallmark movies and way to many gifts. 

It is 7:15pm now on Christmas evening and I just walked in my house. Some of my family just packed up the car and are headed for sunny Florida, while others are enjoying a snowing Christmas Day in Michigan. I am sitting in the light of the tree feeling thankful and enjoying the view. It’s easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for yourself because Christmas doesn’t feel or look the way you think it needs to be. But most of the time when we slow down and really enjoy the time we do have with those we love unexpected blessings and joy is found. 

I hope you all have been blessed with many unexpected blessings this Christmas season. And if not and it has been less than stellar remember we have already been given the greatest gift. And that is all that truly matters. 

Merry Christmas!!!

UNAPOLOGETIC LOVE

Unapologetic: to be unwilling to apologize for your feelings

Have you ever thought what it would be like to give unapologetic love to your relationships in your life? I am not talking about a relationship where you hurt the other person and refuse to see your wrongs and apologize. I am talking about the kind of love where you are unashamed to give someone love no matter how they treat you, how they “try” to make you feel, or how hard it may seem. 

There is a fine line here that needs to be addressed, boundaries. Boundaries in any relationship with friends, family, relationships eat need to be present. However, what would it look like to be unashamed of how you felt about another person? How did we get to be a culture that is afraid to show someone how we feel about them? How did we become a society that feels ashamed to care about someone’s feelings out of the fear of them thinking we are creepy? When did loving someone become such a bad thing? Loving someone is NEVER a bad thing as long as we are able to identify the boundaries needed within each relationship. 

When I was going through my divorce I had so much shame associated with the idea I was still in love or loved someone who didn’t feel the same about me anymore. I literally beat myself up over this idea. Thankfully over time that love I had for my spouse has changed. While I may not be “in love” with him anymore thank goodness, I will always still care(love) for him. I will never feel ashamed to love the father of my child. Loving someone or caring about them is NEVER a bad thing no matter what they did to you or how much they hurt you. Lack of Boundaries = BAD, Loving = Good!!!

This idea of unapologetic love correlates so much to our identity and self-worth. When shame is brought into the mix our self-worth and identity is shaken. When we feel shame for loving someone, most of the times that means that we are not loving ourselves either. When we are healthy the idea of telling or showing someone how much they mean to you will make you feel powerful. Think about it, how much self-worth do you think you have to have to love someone who doesn’t love you. How confident are you to tell someone how you feel when you are unsure if that will be reciprocated?

I want to be unapologetic in how I love people. I don’t want to feel shame, feel like I have to say sorry or try and change who I am just because someone else is not able to accept what I have to offer. I want to be known as someone who loved fiercely not someone who was afraid to do just that.

 So where do we start with this idea of unapologetic love?

·     ACCEPT LOVE: Recognizing that not everyone is like us and may not fit in the box we define as normal. They may be a ball of mess in a way that makes you uncomfortable but so are we right? It is slightly ridiculous we can’t see beyond ourselves and accept each other just as they are and the love they are willing to give. I mean who in world has too many friends or has too many people who truly care about them.  That is silly, we are made for community!!  Don’t tell me you have too many friends or people that love you. And if you are one of those people who doesn’t feel worthy of someone’s love, how about you stop assuming and let the other person decide that for themselves. 

·     BE HONEST – If something hinders you or a relationship then it needs to be said. The reality is that some people should not have access to your life and when this is recognized honesty and new boundaries has to happen. Those uncomfortable conversations need to take place to redefine the relationship whatever that may be. 

·     BE BRAVE – Brave to be yourself and not worry if someone likes you or doesn’t like you. Be willing to hold your head high and give of yourself fully knowing that not everyone has the capacity to accept what you have to offer but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

·     BE REAL – Be you no matter what. Give love freely. Stop apologizing to them and stop beating yourself up for caring. Instead be proud that you know how to love unapologetically.

“ My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15: 12-13

love unapologetically

choose BRAVE

Remember as a kid when you had these romantic ideas about running away? The funny thing is that as you get to be an adult sometimes that idea pops up over and over in hard situations. Just like as a kid when the plan is being thought out very quickly you realize hmmm if I actually run away how exactly do I get to where I am going and what happens after dark? Most of the time that realization makes you squash the fantasy and it’s over. I am not even sure you even take into account all the other factors or money, food, safety and shelter. 

As an adult those same fantasy’s get squashed even when money, food and shelter could all be technically worked out. The one thing that holds is here is our people. The relationships we have formed and the fear of hurting the ones we love even more. 

Ok clarification, no one is running away. The thought of running away not in a physical way but emotional way has been floating around in my head for a bit. How many times have I actually “ran away”? Well let’s just put it this way I am basically a professional runway. I have done it in so many areas of my life it’s not even funny. 

I love to run away from any and every hard thing that crosses my path. Weather that be conflict, relationships, school, exercise, dreams, failures and myself. 

The funny thing about running away is that no matter what you do or where you go that baggage is attached to you like super glue until you actually do the work and use the right tools to get that crap off. 

I think about fear all the time. Like seriously all the time. My life used to be dictated by said fear. You name it I was afraid of it. And honestly it is a constant player in my brain everyday. 

Fear of being known. Fear of being not known. Fear of failure. Fear of letting go. Fear of new things. Fear of hard. Fear of never reaching the finish line. Fear of love. Fear of singleness. Fear of being lonely. Fear of never “being lonely”. Fear of the past. Fear of the future. Fear of not making a difference. Fear of being a bad mom, daughter,sister, friend. Fear of change and also fear of not changing. Fear of peoples perception of me. Fear of standing up for myself. That list didn’t include, night, skydiving,spiders ect. Oye vey. 

All that fear wrapped up in one body is a whole lot of fear I have to battle every day. No wonder I want to “run away” at times. 

The other day someone said to me and I quote “seriously Stephanie people are afraid of you.... even if they are not friends with you they know about your wrath”. I literally laughed out loud. For the girl who is afraid of everything it is comical that someone would think that I was intimidating and wrathful. This comment was hurtful, maybe it’s true maybe it isn’t. Not going to lie I cried a few tears, stewed on it for days and wanted to “run away”. However running away doesn’t erase anything. That was still said and my mind will be real willing to remind me of this. 

So what is the flip side of this fear thing and running away? Well I am not a pro and have a forever long journey in front of me but it boils down to this. 

BEING BRAVE

Brave to accept the things I can not change.Brave to do hard things even when I feel like I can’t. Brave to be the real me even when someone may not like it. Brave to recognize truth no matter what it looks like. Brave to love and be loved. Brave to be fully known. 

You know what fear really is?? It is our comical attempt to stay in control. Fear is the disillusion idea that if we worry or run away from something then what actually is, is not.  

Being Brave is letting go of that fear. Being Brave actually gives us the opportunity to grow into the very best versions of ourselves. 

I wrote a blog months and months ago about choosing joy. And it’s funny to me that I am now pep talking myself about being brave. So cheers to all this choosing and choosing Brave today. 

when s*** hits the fan

I hate conflict, like despise it. Confronting someone about puts me in bed at times. I will say I have gotten so much better at these two things over the last few years but I still struggle. There are still relationships that at some point “s*** hits the fan” and the weeks or months of stuffing comes out in an over the top confrontation.  Ever been there? Or maybe things are going fine and you speak out loud about how calm something is. Or how nice it is to be getting along and then wham you totally jinxed yourself. Well not really jinxed I don’t believe in that.  I just literally think Satan is the devil and loves to use my spoken word to destroy me. If you read your bible or attend church you know what I am talking about. It says it plain as day. The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. And how true is that?

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been a hot volcano about ready to burst. I have tried to calm that volcano in many ways and without avail the other day it burst. You know how for the most part when a hurricane is forming you have days to prepare and evacuate. You know it is going to be bad, you know it is coming and you know to prepare. Well, I could tell this was coming but I was like so many who think they can ride out a hurricane and failed to prepare or evacuate. Honestly evacuating was what was needed, but terrible boundaries prevented that from happening.  

All of my emotions, frustrations, and anger came out in one big sweep.  This propelled into a huge fight that landed me in a fetal position crying my eyes out. I don’t know about you but when these eruptions happen very rarely does it make you feel better.  Most of the time it just adds to the wounds already there.  I said hateful things. Like despicable things, I dug deep in the arsenal.  You know brought up the things that I know would cut deep in hopes it would truly hurt the other person. I mean come on people who does that……. yep me.  I didn’t portray who I truly am and I gave fuel to someone’s else’s fire while basically dismissing any wrong that was done to me.  And the worst oh the very worst part of it all is that this all took place in front of my daughter. Wow, talk about thinking about oneself. My sweet four years old snuggles up to me as I am sobbing and starts comforting me. Nothing is as terrible, humbling and a complete gut punch to the throat then that. Just nominate me for mother of the year why don’t you.

When “s*** hits the fan” it tears down all preconceived notions of who you are. It strips you down and makes you take a long hard look at what is residing in your heart. It allows all the extremely dysfunctional behaviors come to light. 

So what do you do? Well as I see it you have two choices. First one is to play the victim. Chalk it up to the person being crazy, a complete jerk and none of this was your fault taking zero responsibility. Self-medicate by drinking, spending money, sleeping around, gossiping, gambling whatever it may be.  Basically, making denial your friend. I can attest that denial has never and will never be my friend. Talk about a crappy friend that one is.  Or second, take ownership on your part, open your eyes to what is inside your heart, take inventory and then dig that crap out. I mean really dig it out and then deal with it.  So I am choosing the second option not only for me but for that sweet girl I want to raise to become a strong conflict confronter who loves people and isn’t afraid of the hard stuff.

When s*** hits the fan it is the perfect time to clean that crap up and start again. 

 I feel like I can keep my cool about a lot of things. I have had a lot of practice over the last few years. However when it comes to someone bad mouthing my family be that my blood, close friends or my team it gets me hot.

 A couple weeks ago there was an article written in the news gazette about a former athlete. She transferred to another school after her sophomore year for many different personal reasons. While I was sad to see her and her family go she has thrived in this school very well. I am not bitter about her not representing UHS I can see the big picture. I care about her well being more then a state title and recognition.  

When you coach a high school sport especially around here and especially in the sport of swimming it is looked at as a family. I rejoice in victories of athletes not on my team. I gladly help out other coaches when they need help. I cry over trials and losses that occur. Just as others do the same with us . The goal is to build up these student athletes, give them a safe space to thrive, challenge them to be leaders among their peers and push them to do hard things so they know that they can. 

I didn’t get into coaching for the money becauselet’s be honest it would never be worth it. I didn’t get into coaching for the fame. If that was the case I wouldn’t be coaching where I do. I got into coaching because of my passion for the sport and for my alma mater. For the athletes that are not given a chance to do new things. For the athletes that have family lives that are beyond imagine and need a place to belong and feel loved. For a chance to step outside of myself and think about someone else. 

When articles are written and things are said to tear down my team even if it be unintentional it stings and I get mad. And in turn I question others motivation to coach. I question the integrity of those saying hurtful things and ability to be leaders and examples for their own athletes. 

Life is hard and the world is cruel. Let’s focus on giving our youth positive role models and spaces to be taught and grow into strong, confident and caring adults. We live in a time where it is not the place to tear others down and make a status play of who is better or who is inadequate. Let’s love, encourage, accept and advocate for each other y’all. 

All that being said I feel like I need to tell you about my team. So who are they and what are they about?  Well I can tell you who they are not. They are not the ones always in the spotlight, in the paper being talked about. They are not always state qualifiers or at the top of the “game”. They don’t get credit where credit is due. They don’t get recognized for their hard work or massive improvement from year to year. They don’t get “breaks” in life from their families or rough situations. They don’t get to have the same opportunity that a lot of others do. They are not wealthy or perceived as popular. However my team, my tigers. They are warriors. They are survivors. They are a group of girls that come together for 3.5 months out of the year and become a team. From the highs to the lows these girls are the ones that I get the privilege to coach and mentor. These girls are the ones that end up teaching me more than I teach them. These are the ones that I am willing and honored to fight for every single day. These girls are my team and I am so very proud of them!